Kevin here, and I'm going to explain the Thanksgiving season for you. My job will be to educate people on the most historical event in Russian history.
It first started with a bunch of cranky old men who wanted to run away from their homes because they got in a fight with a bunch of other cranky old men on how to Worship God. They whined and complained, and convinced a few hundred others to join them on their insane journey.
That's when the went to hall land. A land well known for building grand halls, but were also well known for those halls flooding because they were too stupid to build their country above water.
It is often believed that Hall Landers' favorite sport was water polo.
So while the Cranky old men sun bathed, and played water polo, some of the younger people didn't like all the noise that Hall Landers made, so they all got in a giant pillow fight. After the feathers settled, one guy decided to move to America.
After they all discussed it, they decided they needed a couple of boats, but for some reason they couldn't find any good Hall Land boats. (So far as I can tell, The Hall Landers were not good boat builders, or possibly they were too mad over the pillow fight.)
The King of England enslaved them all, and laughed as he shipped them over the sea in a small boat. This boat was called the Mayflower, and was not much bigger than a thimble. So these thimble sailors went to America, so that when they got there, they all leaped out and built a town.
This town had a lot of trouble, they starved a lot, and they got sick, and a few of them died. Mostly this was because they were picky eaters, So the less picky Indians took pity on them, and taught them how to grow corn. As a result the Pilgrim children were all rather cranky and threw lots of tantrums over their corn meals.
The fishermen were good at catching fish and eels. The hunters took out a lot of deer and turkeys.
Actually this lead to in interesting hole in most history books. While most believed they just had a better summer, and grew lots of food and were well fed, so they had a huge feast, I uncovered something far more interesting.
See the turkeys were not used to being hunted, so they decided to get revenge, they called their buddies on mars, who decided to visit for the evening. They all got mad about the hunting, so they invaded the Pilgrim's village.
The pilgrims fought off the turkeys while the Martians kidnapped them into their flying saucers. Finally a strange man on a hill looked down on them, and ran in to save the day. He single handedly slayed the turkeys,and blew up the flying saucers. Finally after he won the battle, he set one foot down on his turkeys, and yelled
“I'm on top of a turkey!”
This is why everyone eats turkey at thanksgiving, to remember the turkeys who invaded the founders of this nation.
** A note from Adam**
This is easily the worst version of the Pilgrim's story ever. Kevin got almost everything wrong, and therefor disregard all his statements. Go look up the real story, as it is available free almost anywhere.
*goes to kill Kevin*
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